My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
