there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize