I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish you could order shots online.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
