So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
