OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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