I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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