You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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