Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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