I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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