please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
