just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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