I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
