what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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