sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
