He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
