Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
