6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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