I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Of course I have a pirate flag
We need a shit load of segways right now
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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