two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
