he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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