I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
