I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
