I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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