Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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