i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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