Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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