Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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