I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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