a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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