Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
