It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
