I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My pussy is not your playground.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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