3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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