I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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