this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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