Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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