so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
