They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
