Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He has the fingertips of a God
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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