Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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