The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
