It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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