my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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