I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
