My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the condom got lost in my hair
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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