Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
