Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
