I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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