Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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