I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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