She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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