My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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