i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
