now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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