Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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